For my nieces, one by one splendour of strong women…..
With all the Hurricanes, September was one devil hell of a ride. The most dangerous rollercoaster in the world was nothing compared to all the hurricanes of September. And just as the hurricanes were raving over various (egg) countries and wiping everything away like dollhouses, so was a hurricane in me. And that cyclone unsettled cells, caused fear and pain. In a flash, I realize how life can pass you by. What if there's no tomorrow? Did I do what I always wanted to do? Sometimes you're so glued to the way your life goes. Because yes, you don't know any better, that's the way it always goes. But are you really the person you want to be? Are you really happy now? Do you really dare to choose for yourself, to really love yourself and to be connected to yourself?
But what is connecting that? Connecting is actually connecting, following your feelings, listening to what your feelings indicate and acting on it. Be honest with yourself. Am I satisfied with the life I'm living now? And if you don't, do you dare to make the switch? You're going to have to make a damn connection with yourself if you want to connect with someone else. Know yourself well, know what your nice sides are but also the shadow sides. Being familiar with the patterns, habits that lead to certain behaviors in yourself. Know why you react like that one time and sister the other. Because no day is the same.
And with that, you look at your inner outer. Do you say YES to the other and with it NO to yourself? Gee! Or do you not even dare to choose for yourself without the fear of suddenly being described as selfish? It's no wonder you're gnawing at you. Yes, because in the end, you abandoned yourself. Why do you leave things that make you feel good for later: when the kids are out of the house, when I stop working, when I….pfff. Realize that you don't know what tomorrow will bring you and that you only have today. So why don't you choose NOW for yourself?
You're so stuck in certain patterns. But are they your patterns? You know, a lot of these patterns come from early childhood. As a child, like a sponge, you suck all the patterns, behaviour and energy of your (grand) parents, carers, environment. Were your parents happily married? Did they often argue, or played in the family guilt, warmth, tenderness or fear? You grow up and without your knowledge that sponge has such an impact, grip, fear on your present life. So much more than you think possible. But society is changing. Was talking about divorce, sex etc. used to be taboo, now it's not. It's so important to let go of these "old" impressions about relationships and make sure your factory settings are reset to zero so you start creating your own blueprint about relationships. Letting go will have to be done very consciously. It doesn't go away by itself, as this stuff is completely absorbed by you before you've grown to full maturity. These habits are so stuck in your body, in your subconscious and your emotional reactions.
And then it seems like life is a bad thing, that you've been abandoned by your loved ones, or things don't go the way you want. What you reflect outwardly is what and how you feel inside. But in fact you have to clean up your own shit, solve your own inner blockages/issues. You will have to break open the lock of your inner self. You often think that the outside world is the problem, while it is deep within yourself. Listen to that one voice whispering that life can be so much better and more beautiful. Choose for yourself. You're the only one who can make yourself happy. Someone else can't do that for you. Connect with yourself, get to know yourself before you connect with others. Throw away that dried-out sponge from years ago. Because a sponge that is giganticly dehydrated and can no longer get wet, really hurts your body though. Dare to find the key to your heart for once. And don't think I'm perfect. I too have spent years plying others, forgetting myself and making mistakes. I asked myself all these questions a few years ago. The result was that in 2010 I dared to make that big leap trembling and finally chose for myself. A divorce was the first step. Quit my job and start the 2nd step and the 3rd step for myself to let go of my children. So if you are not satisfied with your outside world, then it is entirely up to you to change that from within yourself. And know that you can never lose yourself. Change starts with and within you! So inside, so without!
And when autumn comes, I seek the balance in myself and in the world around me.